Limo Jokes

Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig
 
One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country. They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was getting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open. Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream. The limo driver stopped the car immediately to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate. "What happened?!" asked Bill. "I ran over a pig," replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified. "Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's." Therefore, the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly two and a half hours. Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been. "Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked. The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party." Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?" The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig."
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What's In Your Limo?

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.

"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.

"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
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Limo driver

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo ( he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
"Excuse me, your Eminence, "says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
 
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
 
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
 
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
 
"Please slow down, your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
 
"So bust him," said the Chief.
 
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
 
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
 
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
 
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
 
Cop: "Bigger."
 
Chief: "Governor?"
 
Cop: "Bigger."
 
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
 
Cop: "I think it's God!"
 
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
 
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!


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A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.

The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."